I really dislike confrontation.
Confrontation does not always mean I want to get in a fight with you. When I say I "dislike confrontation," I mean that my heart starts beating 10x faster at the prospect of asking someone for a favor or to debate prices. If I could avoid having to confront someone, 9 out of 10 times, I will.
Which is exactly why I needed to read (or rather listen) to Never Split the Difference. It's all about viewing the art of negotiating through a different lens and giving you the tools to handle these kinds of discussions better.
What is Never Split the Difference
In today's Reading Report and Review, I'm going to discuss "Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depends on It" by Chris Voss. While this is a Reading Report and Review, I listened to this book on Scribd while doing chores, showering, and moments of self-care. Never Split the Difference is a highly recommended title on Reddit, forums, and YouTube videos. So when I saw it was available on Scribd, I decided to check it out.
Chris Voss is a former FBI negotiator who has decided to share his wisdom, and 9 principles, in his book. While most would think that his advice wouldn't apply to the average person, you'd be surprised. No matter the situation, discussing with another party what your needs are and meeting at an amicable conclusion applies to all areas of life.
For example, I'd want to implement some of the book's lessons to improve negotiating pay when I take on freelance projects. There are also less 'formal' situations I'd like to use these lessons, like trying to get my boyfriend to make me more cups of coffee when I'm working from home.
What I learned from Never Split the Difference
Active Listening: While this book isn't the first place I've heard of the concept, it's one that Chris Voss focuses on. We have two ears and one mouth, so we should be listening more than we speak. However, it's more than that. It's actually focusing on what the other person is saying and understanding it, not just waiting for your chance to retort.
Labeling: This technique is one to be used to identify the emotions the other party is feeling or to confirm where they are coming from. I liked the execution where you start with "It seems like…" and then fill in the rest with your observations. This way, it can allow you to confirm with the other party that you're both on the same page while keeping some distance from the statement. This way, it doesn't sound like you are accusing the other person of anything.
Calibrated Questions: Similar to active listening, I've heard of this concept before. However, I didn't have a name for it. Calibrated questions are open-ended questions to get the other person talking. This way, they can clear up any confusion (or doubt) from your perspective. One of Chris's most mentioned calibrated questions was, "How am I supposed to do that?".
What I liked about Never Split the Difference
Relatability: When I initially heard of the book, I was a bit skeptical. The author was from the FBI. I'm never in any situation where my negotiating ability would have someone's life on the line. However, the book was quick to ease those worries and reassure me that I could try to implement his principles in my day-to-day life.
The Framework: As someone who gets nervous whenever it's time to step up to the plate, I liked how Chris Voss gave examples and structures to use his principles in the real world. This way, I have something to fall back on whenever I stumble.
Reminder about Practice: Chris Voss acknowledges that missteps and mistakes are reasonable and that one is never 100% prepared for any negotiation. This acknowledgment made him seem more human and his statement, "under pressure, we don't rise to the occasion, we fall to the level of our training" resonated with me.
What I didn't like about Never Split the Difference
It was an audiobook: This is not a fault of the author. This is a fault of mine. I am a visual learner, and I tend to enjoy my books by reading them, but with how chaotic life has been, I felt like I had no time to read. It made remembering a lot of the content in the audiobook difficult.
However, besides that nitpick, I can't really say if there was a part of the book that I disliked. Unlike other books I've read, I didn't feel like there was 'unnecessary fluff' to make the book longer, and even the stories had a point.
Implementing Never Split the Difference in my life
Using the framework: I want to find the principles online and jot down the structure on my Notion account. This way, I can remember them when I need them.
Using silence as a tool: While discussing tactical empathy, or labeling, one of the steps was to stay quiet for 4 seconds after using it. I need to do this more often since I feel like I speak too soon and "put my foot in my mouth." So this is something I need to get better at.
Pivoting to Non-Binary Terms: While a lot of negotiations include money, I haven't thought much of other perks or benefits that I could reap. Usually, we think about negotiating with cash, but really we have a lot more to offer than just money.
Resources for Never Split the Difference
Scribd: This is how I read the book. While I did mention that audiobooks aren't my preferred way of learning, it is one that I turn to whenever my eyes to be focused elsewhere. And this app does have books to read if audiobooks aren't your thing.
Never Split the Difference | TEDxUniversiityofNevada: This TEDx talk is on YouTube and has Chris Voss on stage sharing the concepts from his book. He's also a great presenter, so it's an entertaining video to watch as well.
Summary of Never Split the Difference by Earning Ability: The video goes over all the lessons that the book discusses but does so with great visuals and typography, making it easy to follow and provides a great refresher if needed it.
The Black Swan Group Blog: Chris's company, The Black Swan Group, has a blog full of articles about negotiation. If you are craving for more stuff to read, then definitely go here.
The Negotiation One Sheet: This PDF is meant to prepare you for any negotiations that are coming up. The form is easy to follow and is all on one-sheet which means you won't be nervously fumbling around with a stack of papers (because that was totally me during my last interview!).
Would I recommend Never Split the Difference?
My answer is yes. It's such a great book that the ability to communicate with others, especially when it's to get what you want, is essential. Being able to talk with other people, feel like you understand them, and then be able to collaborate with you is just so important, no matter what you do as a career.
Final Question for Interaction?
While "Never Split the Difference" didn't cure my anxiety about negotiation, it gave me some tools to cope with it. I'm interested in learning about more books that are either about communication or public speaking. If you have any recommendations, feel free to comment below or tweet at me your recommendations.
Other articles from the Reading Report and Review series
Confrontation does not always mean I want to get in a fight with you. When I say I "dislike confrontation," I mean that my heart starts beating 10x faster at the prospect of asking someone for a favor or to debate prices. If I could avoid having to confront someone, 9 out of 10 times, I will.
Which is exactly why I needed to read (or rather listen) to Never Split the Difference. It's all about viewing the art of negotiating through a different lens and giving you the tools to handle these kinds of discussions better.